Christmas time is here

I love Christmas I really do. I love the music, and the spirit that seems to magically just show up one day. I love the decorations, the twinkling lights, and the snowflakes, and the glitter. One of my favorite parts of Christmas is the tree (just ask my roommates, we have 2 in our APT), I'm not really sure why, but I've always just loved Christmas trees. I love to look at them. I could sit for hours in the dark just looking at a Christmas tree. When I was younger, on Christmas night after all the presents had been opened and everything was all said and done, I would stay up really late, and wait for everyone in the house to go to sleep. Then I would sneak out of my room, because my dad wouldn't go to bed before I did (still won't), I would sneak into the living room, turn the Christmas tree on  and lay down under it and look up at the lights. This is still one of my favorite things to do. After sneaking out in the middle of the night a few years, and realize how peaceful and wonderful this time under the tree was, I started to get inventive... I mean why did I only get to do this once a year. So I'd sneak out a few nights before christmas, and move the presents and then put them back; however this was always tricky because you had to get them back just right or some how mom would know something was up... she just thought we were trying to open them. 

Another favorite Christmas tradition is one that started when I moved to Birmingham, so it is still in its early years. I should preface this one with a little tid-bit about me, I love surprises, but what I love about surprises is trying to figure them out... I usually do and I love that more than being surprised.  So, the day after I come home, my mom usually still has to be at school, and my dad of course is working, so this leaves brother and I at the house alone.... So we took up the tradition of trying to find the presents. This used to not be an issue, we knew exactly where they were and that we'd never get to see them. The big ones, that the 'rents were real excited about were always in the trunk of Mom's car, there was no chance of getting to them. And the little ones that were going to be wrapped eventually were in my parents closet, I think they thought they were being sneaky but we always knew. Once I started flying home for Christmas these hiding places would no longer work, mainly mom's car, because we'd see when we put my luggage back there. So they had to start being creative. 

The first year we did this, probably the best year, the presents were in a storage building that my dad had... so we had to remember which one he had, find the key and go find them. This was one of the last places we looked and took a few days to get to this point. But the victory was super sweet. Last year the presents were in the attic, I really thought they'd be more creative than that ... since they did eventually find out about the search the year before. This year however the joy has been taken away. I don't really like figuring things out if I don't have to work for it, so if a present is just laying around its not near as exciting for me to know as if I have to figure out where it is hidden or what it is. Apparently when I was like 8/9ish I would guess every present before I opened it. This year the presents were sitting the office, as if my room isn't across the hall, as if we're not going to notice giant shopping bags spread across the room. It just was tragic, I've been looking forward to the 'hunt for presents' for weeks now. It is a really good 'bonding time for baby brother and I ... and its lots-o-fun. but alas no fun this year. 

Another disappointment, I had been trying to work out my families Christmas present, when I found out it wasn't going to happen yesterday. Just pile on the bummed out. My plan was to wake them up Christmas morning, possibly with a bit of knowledge that at least something was up but not knowing what and then take them to the local homeless shelter to serve breakfast. I found out yesterday that we're not going to be able to do this, apparently we didn't call them soon enough. So hopefully I'll be able to be the first on the list for next year, as I've already requested to be there. I mean I understand they've got people who volunteer there regularly and they are coming, so its a familiar face on Christmas... I see the true value in that, but I was slightly bummed that it wasn't going to work out. If I can pull something like it off in 4 days, in a town I don't remember much about in this aspect I will but things aren't looking hopeful right now. 

Things Learned

"You are young, you stand before beginnings. I would beg of you, dear friend, as well as I can to have patience with all that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves like locked doors, or like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot be given to you because you could not live them. It is with the question of experiencing everything. You need to live the questions and perhaps you will without even noticing find yourself experiencing the answer some distant day" (Rilke).
I believe in every situation there is an opportunity to learn. And you cannot learn with out asking questions. This semester as I’ve spent time at Jessie’s Place and Family Court I have had to ask tough questions of myself and it is usually when I go home and reflect on my experience at my site each day that I begin to ask questions of myself rather than just of my experience. How would I have handled this situation? Could I be the person taking someone’s kid away from them? How do these people sleep at night, knowing that tomorrow they are defending someone who is obviously guilty? Through the hands on learning environment that my internships have provided me I was allowed to see other people making tough choices, and in tough situations and see how they handle them day after day. I was allowed to think about my reaction to these things so that in the future, when I am the one in their shoes I will be better prepared.
The experience gained through my internships and the questions they have lead me to ask are shaping me into the helping professional I am going to become. Had it not been for these experiences and these questions the next steps of my life and beginning a career would still be waiting for me to figure them out; stepping off the stage at graduation with a diploma in my hand would be the first time I asked these questions and maybe I wouldn’t be asking the same questions because I would not know what to ask. The transition into the real world would be so much more of a mystery and more difficult to walk toward.
In my first day at Jessie’s Place, I was given a tour of the facility the way I looked at the rooms as I walked down the hallway that first day is very different from how I see them now. When I first saw the rooms, I saw how simple they were, how generic and honestly dirty they looked. I saw rooms with 4 beds in them and how the space was divided for 4 women to live in this one room that is no bigger than the bedroom I live in by myself. I saw so little of an opportunity for privacy. I couldn’t imagine having to live in them. Now I walk down that same hallway, I look in those same rooms and I see the hope they provide for the women, the warm blanket they wouldn’t have otherwise (no matter how ugly and dirty it looks, it keeps them warm). I see the community they have created and their lives that are interwoven together, as they work together to overcome the obstacles they face daily.
Every day at Family Court I encounter new people, I’ve seen women who have left Jessie’s Place and are now working to regain custody of their children, I’ve seen teenagers who refuse to go to school, I’ve seen children who look like they just rolled around in a pile of dirt and snot, and I’ve seen teenagers on trial for murder. As I walk through the waiting area each day, with new eyes looking at me, and new faces to see; I get the same looks and I get the same questions as the day before. I am dressed well, I walk through the waiting area with confidence, and I talk to the staff as I go, because of this I am viewed as someone who must be able to help them. Maybe I’ll be the one person that finally gives them some answers as they wait to hear what is happening in the courtroom or in the lawyer’s deliberations. I right now am in no position to be able to answer their questions, unless its where’s the bathroom, but I am on a path where I will one day be able to. Through my internship at Family Court I was able to see the blessings I have been given, in a matter of days I will have a college degree. With a new understanding of the gifts I’ve been given, I see the responsibilities that I have; with great privilege comes great responsibility. Because I have been educated, and will continue my education, I have an obligation to speak for those that can’t, to help people who were born into a life and into circumstances that they don’t understand. I know and have seen the people that are out there working the system and I hope to be able to bring justice to them, but my hope is to fight for those who the system is working, who just can’t seem to get on their feet alone, the people who’ve been given up on.
My time spend at Family Court has been a learning experience of the journey people have taken through law school. As I begin to prepare for this phase of my life, it was helpful to see people who have gotten through and how they accomplished this. I was able to talk with lawyers about the process of getting into Law School, which is very helpful as it can be very confusing. I’ve also been able to build up a network of people that I can ask questions and advice of as I walk through the process of getting into and beginning law school.
Through working at both Jessie’s Place and Family Court I have been able to learn a variety of advocacy skills. The advocacy skills I have learned are primarily for homeless women and children and juveniles that are in trouble with the law; however, these skills can easily be transferred and are a stepping stone to working with many other types of clients that I may come in contact with as I begin working. These skills are shaping the professional that I will become, and are skills that I will carry with me throughout my entire career.
In both of my internships I have learned about working directly with people. People who are very different from me, as well as people who aren’t so different from me. I have learned about and experienced relationships, with people from all walks of life. I have learned that you have to allow relationships time to develop, when working with people you cannot force them to trust you and to listen to you; you have to earn their trust and you have to allow them the opportunity to make the choice to listen and trust. I have had to opportunity learn about working in diversity, because of this I have developed an awareness of my own culture and how it affects me. Your culture becomes a part of how you think as you grown up, and until I interact with other cultures and people who have been raised differently that I was, I am unable to fully understand my own culture.
This semester I have learned a great deal about communicating and collaborating with clients, volunteers, my peers and the staff at my agencies. This is a vital key to success in the professional realm, you have to collaborate with people outside your agency to gain resources and volunteers, you have to collaborate with other agencies to effectively help your target population, and you have to communicate and collaborate effectively with your fellow staff members to better be able to serve your clients. My internship gave me the opportunity to practice these skills and learn as I watched other people using them.
As a helping professional I will be asked to fulfill a variety of roles, for my agency as well as my clients. I have been able to gain an understanding of some of the roles I might be asked to fill as well as how to fill them.
In Dr. Davis’ Family Life Education Class we discussed relational ethics and one of the primary elements is that, relationships are the context in which we interpret what we do. This has been very apparent to me through out my internship experience. Everything we do as a helping professional is and needs to be done through the context of our relationships. An example of this is the Family Life Education workshop I taught at Jessie’s Place, had I not spend the semester building a relationship with the women and learning about their lives I would not have been able to teach on finances and budgeting and been received well. However because I had learned where the women struggled and had gained their trust and respect I was able to help them learn about budgeting and gain confidence that once they leave Jessie’s Place they will be able to do this on their own. I was able to take the knowledge I had learned in my courses at Samford and teach it so that it was specific to the needs of the women surrounding me.
Through out this semester I have been faced with a lot of ethical issues and learning boundaries of working with people. I had a few women at Jessie’s Place that asked me to come and visit them at work, and while I was glad to see them doing well in their job, honored that they’d ask me, and I wanted to see them succeeding; I had to make sure they understood I wouldn’t act like I knew them unless they began the interaction. I also to make them aware that they would be the one to define the relationship; how I knew them to their co-workers, so if they just want to say we’re friends or if they wanted to tell them that I was the intern at the homeless shelter they lived at.
While I was doing my internship at Jessie’s Place I was also preparing to teach my Family Life Education workshop there was well, when we would discuss trips we made to Jessie’s Place for FLE in class I had to constantly remind the girls in my group that we couldn’t say names or give too many details to situations because we were not respecting the privacy of the women at Jessie’s Place. Through this I was reminded how easy it is to accidentally share too much information, and how careful you must be when you are talking about “work”, when work is people’s lives.
Another ethical issue I came into contact with this semester was that I was able to sit in on intakes and to read client files at Jessie’s Place, because of this I learned a lot about the women, their past and some medical conditions. I had to interact with the women as if I did not know this information, because they hadn’t shared it with me. For example a few of the women were suffering from mental illnesses, which made a lot of the conversations and interactions I had with them make sense, however I could not interact with them any differently than I had before I knew. There was another woman who had a lot of credit card debt, I knew this from her file, one day she approached me and brought up her past debt which allowed us to talk a lot about credit cards, I could not have had this conversation with her until she brought it up, however valuable it was to me as I prepared my teaching plan for the workshop I taught. I also had to be very careful how I explained different things that had been happening at Jessie’s Place to my FLE group, because I had information ‘volunteers’ should not know about the women, and they knew I had information and wanted to know it.
I think the most valuable thing I will take away from my experience in my internships is something I had to do within myself, I had to break the stereotype that I had build in my mind. The main stereotype I had to break was of homeless women; I have grown up with my parents viewing homeless people as people who are lazy, who are ‘working the system’, who don’t deserve help until they help themselves, that they could not be homeless and poor if they didn’t want to be. I had to construct a positive view of human nature and people’s capacity to change. This could not have been done until I sat down and had my first conversation with one of the women at Jessie’s Place. I have been raised in a culture that basically believes people are homeless because they want to be. Now having spent time with these women and having learned their individual stories, I realize that that is not the case. Some of them did get there by poor decision-making; some of them have been through terrible situations. But I had to break the stereotype in my mind that said they were lazy and didn’t want to change, the reason they are at Jessie’s Place and participating in the program and following their rules is because they want to change and it is a daily struggle for them. I was not going to be able to help, or minister to these women until I did not view them this way. As our book suggested on page 146 I had to listen to clients with an attitude of openness and respect which is perhaps the most important thing I could do to overcome cultural barriers in my helping relationships. I had to learn to recognize the strengths of their culture, background, and situations instead of focusing solely on their needs.
There are still so many questions that I have and will have but I’ve learned to appreciate waiting to experience the answers until I am ready for them. As I eagerly wait at the starting point of my future, there is so much that I want to do, so many people I want to help and so much for me to experience. The words of President-Elect Obama are running through my head, “Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek”. However as I have seen through my experience this semester in my internships, I still have so much to learn and there are still many avenues that I will walk down before I find my fit in making a difference in people’s lives. But I need to be open and aware of each relationship and each person in my life because there is something to learn from each of them and questions that may be answered with every experience.

Thoughts on December

I'm taking a cue from Andy and doing some thoughts on the month, only I think many will turn out to be thoughts on life.... either way they are thoughts. 

It has almost been one year since I came back to the US. How has time flown so quickly? I mean I feel like I should still be in Salzburg, Austria sitting in the Yoho Hostel, meeting fascinating people over a dinner of chunks of potatoes. I had so much time between me and the real world, so much fun to have, so many things to do and accomplish. And now I see that I have done all of that the people I met along my life journey have helped to shape me into who I am. 

I don't ever listen to the radio... but I wanted to listen to Christmas music yesterday and I didn't have any on my ipod, so I turned on the radio to that station that plays all Christmas music. And this song comes on, its about this little boy who is buying his mom a pair of shoes. He is clearly a child living in poverty, he pays in pennies, and he is rambling on to the clerk about why he's buy these shoes. And its sweet, mom always made Christmas special for us even if it meant she didn't have anything, you know. Then the clerk says there isn't enough, and he turns to the guy behind him and just is simply saying what do I do and the guy behind him pays the rest. Well this is all sweet and to a normal person a tear jerker.... but the little boys mom is dying and he wants her to look pretty when she meets Jesus. Lets just say I was a babbling idiot of tears driving down Lakeshore yesterday. I mean I'm already on a constant state of tears, what with all the professors and the speeches that consisted of "you've accomplished so much", and the "you're ready for the real world", "treasure the people and the things you've learned here". OMG. I cried at the end of a class too. I just can't handle it. And if you know me there are 5 things I hate to do and crying is in the top 2 of those 5.  (I shared this story with a friend of mine and he mocked me for not knowing this song, apparently its been around a long time... oopsie) 

 

And now I think the actually point to that story, as I'm visualizing the face of this little boy all of the sudden its the faces of the kids I've worked with at Jessie's Place. That was when I really lost it. And I realized I need to be working with children living in poverty.... now I just need to find that place and convince them to hire me. 

I really don't think the Christmas season can officially start for me until I'm standing on Centennial Way, singing carols with the rest of Samford, listening to Andy tell the Christmas story, and hearing Twas the night before Christmas at Samford. The star lights up on the Library, bell tower... then the rest of the lights come on and then.... the tree, our beautiful tree. I love it. You're huddled together with your friends and its just wonderful. And then you all go warm up in Harry's with the free Hot Chocolate and sing more Carols. It really didn't seem like Christmas time until that happened. But now.... its full force. I LOVE christmas music, I love Christmas. WONDERFUL! ;) 

This world is a big place. Its strange how big it is, yet how small it is. I mean we're so connected to the rest of the world. I can't imagine living when you couldn't instantly talk to someone halfway across the world. Or even 1000 miles away. It just doesn't seem like that ever really could happen. 

Last night I was hanging out with my friends and some times we play "would you rather" and after about 30 minutes the questions start to get ridiculous. The most ridiculous one of the night (don't be offended, no one was serious).... this was more a You have to do pick one or the consequences are too dire to even mention right now... You have to choose an entire ethnicity (and redneck doesn't count... they have to have an established nation) to annihilate who would it be and why. The rationales got pretty interesting. That is what 3 am and no sleep all week does to college kids. 

I finished and submitted my FINAL Senior Thesis/Research last night. I've been working on this project for a year, and its done. And it is great. Now all I have to do is present it to my peers and professors. The whole thing just makes me feel more adult, which I suppose is good since I'm about to be a real one of those. 

I've been thinking about relationships and people a lot lately. 

This is one of a few things I've been working on....

http://education.samford.edu/eportflio/Portflios/TiffanyAllen2008

too legit to quit! ;) 

Some of it posted strangely, I'm working to fix that! 

1 more presentation, 2 more papers, 3 days of class, 5 finals and thats it! That's all she wrote. Some times I feel like this is all I talk about, but I suppose since I that's all thats one my mind it makes sense. 

I sent my resume out to 8 places today.... let the Job Search Commence. 

I've done a lot of thinking about the past year recently.... I'm sure this will all be posted soon, once I can not sound like a babbling idiot when I say it. 

The Book of Life

So I think I just realized, like really realized, that in 2 weeks I'm done with College. I can't go back and do it again. I'm never going to get this 'phase' of my life back. Adulthood and grown-up-ness is on the horizon for me. I have to end a wonderful chapter of my life, and open a new one. There is no option to this, no turning around and trying again. Now in my short life all of these forced chapters like this have opened to more school (for the most part). I mean I didn't want to leave Elementary School, I liked it there it was happy and fun and you got to go to recess. But then I went to Jr. High and I liked that too there was freedom and you changed classrooms a whole lot, and you got to hang out with people at your locker for like a whole minute between classes and then the time came to leave that too and I didn't want that to end either. And then High School, now I know some people hated high school but, I loved it. It was fun, it was EASY! Your problems were so simple, and no one really expected that much of you, I mean you were a teenager what all could you do. And then Senior year came and it flew by and we all said goodbye to our friends and headed on to make new ones. A lot of us in places away from our hometown, where everything was new. And well that was awesome too, and I have made some wonderful friendships. And now as I close this chapter I for a little bit will have a few life chapters with out school. The idea of not going to buy books in January and not spending every night in the Harwell Goodwin sounds great. But I will greatly miss it. I'm thankful for those that have just begun this journey, or have already done it, that will be able to coach and guide me through it. 

I think this next chapter is just scary because it holds so many unknowns. I mean life has always been pretty laid out as to what is coming next. After pre-school is kindergarten, .... after high school is college but there is nothing laid out for this chapter. There are so many options and so much of life to explore and figure out on my own. I'm excited about the challenge but I also hear the first 6 months suck... I've had enough "life sucking" for the past year couldn't I skip that part? 

ps. I've gone back and read a whole lot of my posts and I rarely re-read before I post so there are a lot of typos... I apologize, I'll try to get better at that. 

the end is near

I submitted my completed draft of my Senior Thesis/Research.... which means that I will make a few changes based on what my advisor says, but I'M DONE! 

I have now completed all major requirements that would hinder graduating. Which means, they officially can't take it away now. (not that I'd complain too much if they did.) It was a strange feeling to hit the submit button last night and feel the 80 lb weight lift off of me. Now all I have to do is find a big girl job.... right now easier said than done. 

I feel like the story of Romeo and Juliet has continuously come into my conversations, and life ... I think I'm going to read that this week while I've got some spare time on my hands. 

The current 'to do' list I'm working off of, has so many check marks and things marked off and so little left on it, I don't know how to take that. The idea that I actually go everything done is amazing, and sad because it means its almost all over. 

Its Turkey week. I had Thanksgiving with my London Family this weekend, I love the feeling when we all get in a room together. It really feels like my family finally is all back together and we can celebrate. That group of 17 people means more to me than I think I even know right now, and I'm so thankful for the time I got to spend with them and for being blessed to even know them. 

lists, lists, lists

My life is one big list, so why shouldn't this post be one too? 

1. Graduation t-29 days and counting. 

2. I'm sad for this semester to be ending, because it means my internships are ending and I really enjoy them. Hopefully I can still go visit some next semester. 

3. I don't think I believe that they are going to let me graduate... I mean I'm not engaged isn't that reason enough not to let it happen. ;) I've never known a life where I don't go to school, I don't think I'm going to like it. Good thing its only for 1.5 years or less. 

4. we started decorating for Christmas in our Apartment... its WONDERFUL! 

5. I'm staying in B'ham for Thanksgiving... I don't know how I feel about that yet. 

6. my "eportfolio" is turning out to be totally legit. When its done and online I'll post a link. 

7. I'm going to Tallahassee this weekend! but its supposed to be super cold, boo! 

8. I'm a year older. Each year birthdays get more and more strange. I feel old. I think 23 just sounds old. It could be that I turned 23 and in a month I graduate so all that adulthood junk is really getting thrown in my face. 

9. I've been visiting a new church. I think I really like it, but its hard to leave the other. But this one offers a sense of community the other never had, its so close to my apartment. And I really think the people are just precious.

10. I'm running a 5k in a little over a week... I haven't been running in like a month...oopsie. 

11. I've been sick a lot recently. I don't like it. 

12. I'm really not a fan of this phase of life. All your friends are moving, and getting married and our lives are separating a little bit. Its sad. 

13. I ordered graduation announcements... not the lame ones from the school, but super cute ones. I can't wait to get them in my hands. 

14. Some times I'm convinced I'm adopted. I mean I'm so opposite from both my parents and my brother its strange. I've felt like this all of my life. The way I think and the way they think are so different, I mean that has to be genetic and I have to have gotten it from somewhere else. Maybe my mom wasn't kidding when she told me I was the milk man's kid. 

15. I might, possibly, maybe have a crush. I don't like this. I don't know what to do with this. boo! 

16. I've been really music obsessed lately. I wish I had a job so I could afford to buy new music instead of just hoping what I wants pops up on pandora. 

election thoughts

I'll start with just a few thoughts I have had since watching CNN last night... 

118,747,361 people voted in 2008 

62,100,082 people voted in 2004 

that means that 56,647,279 more people voted in 2008 than in 2004. Thats incredible!!!

A nation of the people, by the people and for the people. I think we've forgotten about this, but this is where our country started and should never move away from. 

I'm not sure how you could have watched Barack's speech last night and not been inspired, and given a renewed hope for America's future.  

I thought it was very important and very interesting that Barack last night addressed the people who didn't vote for him, and reminded them that he is "their president too", so he'll be listening to their voices too. 

Let's talk about McCain's Concession Speech last night. One, I'm proud of his speech, this is probably the best speech he's ever done. I felt like he was honest and this was the first time I watched him and felt the honesty he had behind his words. However, I was APPALLED by the McCain supporters. I would be embarrassed to associate myself with them after last night. I could not believe they booed in the middle of the speech, they chanted McCain's name... they had nothing to gain from this. I wish they could have listened to what McCain was actually saying.  And it wasn't only the people at the rally, the McCain supporters at my election party had the same reactions, they made horribly rude comments during Obama's Speech, and then the facebook status waterfall of horrible comments. The world has not ended and will not end because of a new president. 

In watching the two speeches, a very distinct difference, that I somewhat just referenced. The McCain supporters at the rally and around the country versus the Obama supporters (again at the rally and around the country). The Obama supporters chants and statements made in the last 12 (ish) hours were "YES WE CAN" not Obama's name, not anything about a party, or a single person making change. It is about us as a country coming together to make change, and to bring America up to where it could be as a country. The greatness it can achieve, and the hope that it can afford its people. 

I have never been interested in the news, or politics, or keeping up with what's going on in the world. I've had the attitude of just let it happen, what is going to happen is going to happen.  However, I could not wait to watch the news this week, I stat mesmerized in front of the television last night, abandoning my studies for a few hours, waiting to see what America had in store for its future. I saw my peers, a generation who has been as apathetic as myself joining in the campaign, watching with the same interest I had, discussing and taking pride in the fact that they VOTED. My generation, myself included, have always been very apathetic about politics; we couldn't see our voices being heard, we couldn't see our efforts making a difference. But last night we did. We saw what could happen when we ban together and use our voices, for those that can't, for our country, for those that are scared to use them. We saw what we could do and now we are interested. We want to see what is going to happen and how we can be a part of it. This is now not just a country we've grown up in, and where our citizenship lies; it is OUR country, where we have a chance to make a difference, where we can take pride in our efforts to help those less fortunate than ourselves, a country we can love and affect, a country in which things will not get better unless we speak up, where our voice matters. I think not only is this a historic election because of who was elected, but also I think and I hope that the apathy of my generation is beginning to be broken as we realize the potential and opportunities we have for affecting this nation. 

lately

So I've been doing an internship at a homeless shelter. The first few times I was terrified, what am I going to talk about with these women, do we have anything in common? I hate small talk. I think I walked in thinking about what I could offer them, what I could teach them. and then I started watching them, and not trying to find ways to force a conversation but just learning where they work and what they do in their free time. 

I've been able to sit in on their bible studies, and listen to the things God is doing in their lives. I walked through the living room yesterday and found two of them studying their bibles. And I had to stop where I was standing and realize how complacent I've become in my relationship with God, I know he's there. I've hit rock bottom, and he was there, but why is it that when things are going well, we put our relationship with God on the back burner. I mean life doesn't get that bad very often, I am blessed. 

Tonight when I left one of the little girls who has won my heart had just been hugging me and holding me as tightly as she possibly could for the past five minutes, cried when I handed her off to her mom. It was heart breaking. This precious 4 year old little girl has seen so much of life in her 4 short years. She wants someone to be able to just sit and tell her how wonderful she is, and that wants nothing more to hear about school today. But her reality (I'm not saying her Mom is not a wonderful person and doing the best she can) is she comes to the shelter after school and her mom is coming home after a long hard day at a job that I'll be honest  I wouldn't even consider working. She's been on her feet all day, she doesn't know how to discipline very well, she just wants her little girl to like her and not thing she's mean. She wants to hold her and love her. I wish for a better life for her. All that to say, I think one of the things I'm going to start looking for opportunities to teach both of them and encourage them in their life. The won't be at the shelter forever at some point they've got to become self sufficient. I want them to be as prepared as they possibly can be. 

I love getting to be a part of the women's lives and I'm looking forward to going back in and learning something else, and seeing God move. 

things to come

I'm thinking about joining the Team in Training for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society.

More to come on that, but I'd just thought I'd share what I've been thinking a lot about lately. 

This semester is still a mystery to me. I have time on my hands, but theoretically I shouldn't.  I feel busy, but there are several times that I find myself bored. 

I don't spend a few hours every day in the Library, I actually haven't spend any hours in the library. I'm sure my table is wondering where I went, I bet someone else sits there and thinks its their table. 

I can pretty easily float by, I just don't know how to handle that. 

Semester after semester I can't seem to find enough hours to get everything done. I think not working as often during the day is part of this so I feel like I have more time when I get to the night and I don't have to slave away over my homework. 

I really can't believe how its all playing out. I looked at and I think picked out my graduation announcements today. I feel like yesterday I was slaving away trying to get my high school graduation announcements out while applying to colleges and deciding where to go, what to major in. Now all of that is over, and I did so much more than I ever thought. 

Lets play a game...

The name of the game is One Year ago Today....

One year ago today I began what would be the craziest weekend adventure of my life. We call that weekend "A Journey to find a Cab." You should read it. The morning we left for Northern Ireland was an adventure and our first outside of England, we had a lot to learn.  But looking back the chasing down a cab at 2:30 am, and then realize I've left my cell phone and flight and train confirmation numbers on the

 table where I signed us out at 2:30 am. (Trust me after that we all ALWAYS had 3 copies of our flight info on us.) We learned to actually pay attention to what station our train left from and when the tube lines were open and closed. 

That weekend was wonderful. We hiked Giants Causway, attempted to find the 20,000 puffins while we made up songs about puffins, we got in the North Sea (per a requirement of the boys to touch it), we went to the next city based on what some guy on a train told us to do, saw Atonement, and we almost rented a car. 

I can't believe that a year ago I was in London, it seems very surreal. I can't believe how nervous I was about living in the house with 18 strangers, that are now some of my closest friends and I have no idea how I lived with out. There is so much I didn't know a year ago, there is so much I hadn't seen. There is still so much to know and to see. 

I might be going back to London for Jan term, we'll see how it plays out. However I did start, seriously looking at Grad Schools in the UK, I mean why not. And I have a meeting next week to talk with our International Studies Office, to get some advice on moving to, and going to grad school in the UK. That's terrifying and wonderful, and too good to be true all at the same time. 

I guess the Journey to Find a Cab is still somewhat continuing in my life. I'm not looking for a cab right now, but I'm still on a Journey for something, and right now I don't know how or when I'll find it (I don't even know what it is). I just know that I have to find it, my next adventure is waiting on me to find it. 

Oh the Places You'll go

I've started the second week of school. My last semester. I think that means I'm supposed to have some answers, What's next? What do I want to do? But I don't. There are so many things I could do. So many passions I have, so many ways my gifts and talents could be used. But what do I do with all of that? I'm sure there is some way that it all will fit together and it will be magical. 

I caught myself thinking and complaining that there were so many options, so many things I could do. It made making a decision hard. And I had to stop myself and listen to what I was thinking. I was getting frustrated that I've been given so much. That I have options. It was so easy to complain, about this, about being given gifts and talents. Honestly I need to be thankful. Seriously. I had food to eat for dinner, some people don't have that. I have the resources, and a brain to go to school, and get an education, and I will get to continue my education... when I decide what I want to do. I get to make choices, some people only have one option, or maybe no option at all. 

Somewhere along my life, I was told, Attitude is a choice, I can choose to look at the bright side, and choose to be happy and thankful. Or I can not. But its my choice. So today, I'm choosing to be thankful for the resources, and options I have. 

camp life update

6 camps down, 3 to go.

It's all down hill now.

4 camps in 8 days, bring it on. 7000 campers, give me a challenge. Registering 220 churches in one day, any time.

There are moments during the summer when I ask myself why am I doing this. Why did I sign up for this for a 3rd time? When you are -100 beds for a camp.... thats a moment when this happens. Nametags, why would I put myself through that again. ;) But last night I got to sit in the middle of a room where God was at work in 7000 campers hearts, and I was given to opportunity to just sit and watch. And that was a moment for me where I simply said, "oh yeah! this is why I'm here."

ryan started the fire!

Some times I just think a lot. I really want to go back to London. I miss it terribly. I just can't believe that I was give the opportunities that I was. One year ago, I was terrified of what was to come, yet terribly excited. I had yet to go to amazing places I'd only dreamed of. One year ago, I was planning what to pack, and what I had to buy, and how much I could do during the summer because I was saving. It was actually in Padre last year that I decided to order my camera that I would then be taken around the world, and would be attached to me for 4 incredible months.
How was I to know that 4 months with 18 amazing people would change my life. I didn't but OMG what I would do to get it back. This is also about the time that they emailed me my flight itinerary and it suddenly became real, registering for classes, a few meetings, paying, that all happens every semester... but getting a plane itinerary, knowing that on August 26th you are beginning an adventure in Europe, but that on Dec 10 you have to be back, makes it real.

Tonight, like a saint Justin came and took my place on camera during the sermon so I got to just sit and listen. I had no idea where they were looking in the Bible, I just kinda got to sit relax and listen to whatever I picked up. All of the sudden Greg has the students say,

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."


and then they repeated it 2 more times. It got me a little bit. I'm not alone in battles, God will fight for me, its just hard to remember that some times. Although he shows it every time, and in every tough situation, he is there, I now just need to remember in those times, that "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." - Exodus 14:14
I've made some big decisions lately, there will be more on them to come. But I say that to say I couldn't have made them with out some of the amazing people that surround me this summer. Who knew that story time with Tiffany would lead to all this support? This is also the first summer that I've worked where people are actually awake in van rides instead of sleeping the entire way.... its fantastic.

So we've been a little busy....

I love my team. There isn't one person that I just don't like and want to run away from. We bonded quickly. We hit some stride or something very early and we've just been able to run with it. Because of this we don't have to help each other with their jobs, we want to help people with their jobs. It's been a huge blessing. I'm dreading the goodbye in front of the office come August. We don't have anyone who will hook up at the end of the summer so that took away what could have been potentially awkward situations or just drama. We all have this feeling of ok we can hang out and get to know each other, and those of us who are huggers, �can hug and know nothing but our friendship and family-hood are coming from it. We can really be honest about our lives and share a lot and just be real. This is the first team that I've been on that we've been this real, this early. We just kinda laid it on the table from day one and said lets go. Its fantastic. I couldn't ask for anything better. A lot of us are around the same stage of life. Some of us the exact same, its amazing to see how we got put together.
As for camp, this past week has been a blessing. Although it was a beast of a week, because we were doing 2 camps at the same time; we had an amazing band leading worship and a fantastic camp pastor. Both that really invested in our staff. They took a lot of time to hang out and get to know us. It was really encouraging after our last 2 weeks. It was an exhausting week that started when we left for the worship center every morning at 6:30 and ended around 12, with no stopping in-between. But it really was a great week. I loved being able to see God move in the lives of our students, and seeing how he worked in completely different ways in the 2 services (we did the same exact thing, but it was always different) it was amazing. It was also a time for us to do our job and figure out what was going on in the first service, but then we got to actually take a breath in the second one. I'm actually looking forward doing it again this time.
For awhile we kept going what's it going to be today, first week it was tornadoes, and evacuating students in the middle of the night. Second week, we had to deal with a fire marshall, and some other random things that went along with it. And then we walked into our third camp knowing the challenge ahead of time, 2 camps at a time. I will say though that our personalities aren't the greatest this week, we've already had our speaker once and he is not doing a single thing differently so the fact that we've got him 4 times a day isn't so great. But we do have fantastic concert artists this week and we love them.

God's been teaching me a lot about forgiveness lately. I know why. And I'm working on that.
Forgiveness sets you free. I know this, I've told students this over and over and over again. But it is so much easier to say to them than to do it in your own life. I mean how do I know while I'm removed from the situation and real life if its true, if I really do mean it. But I've got to be free of this, the path to healing is marked with forgiveness. If I'm striving to be like Jesus, Jesus forgave; and I can't keep this with me. I know that I still need to give forgiveness to some people, God reminds me constantly about it, that I need to work towards that, that its an important part of the healing process. God's really been working on me this week and I've gotten to this point where, it's easy for me to say right now I forgive you. I don't have to see you, I don't have to interact except through things (i.e. text, facebook, email). But I don't know if I can say I forgive you and know if I really mean it come August when camp is gone, when the support of my team isn't standing with me literally, and I'm thrown back into the real world where its not so easy. I can already feel the weight of this lifting by just being able to being comprehending this much and sharing it.
I've also come to this point where I know that I can't promise a friendship come August, but I'm praying that by then I can forgive you and be done with this. Its also been huge for me to realize that just because I forgive someone doesn't mean I have to be buddy buddy with them or go back to where I thought we were come August.
I'm going to be honest that as much as I wanted and needed camp to come, and I don't think I would have made it if camp hadn't come; it does make an actual healing process harder because I am so removed from the real world and the situation. Although it has also aided in that I've had an amazing team to just talk with and they've come along side me and my life has brought us closer. There are 3 of us girls that went through crap at the exact same time, and it has been amazing for us to sit and tell our stories and help each other, to give updates constantly and just to really be able to share real life.

It was reading tonight and both of these kinda slapped me in the face and well I'm learning....

14For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. - Matthew 6.14-15

38"You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.'^[g] 39But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. 40And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. 41If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. 42Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you. - Matthew 5.38-42

3"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. - Matthew 7.3-5

It's like a book elegantly bound, but in a language that you can't read just yet

I just found out from my mom, (who waited until after my final this morning to tell me) that my Granddad had a heart attack yesterday and is currently having triple bypass surgery as I type this.

I don't really think I know how to handle this right now. But all I can think right now is that no one is sitting with my Grandma holding her hand through this. My parents are at work. Personally, I don't care what the statistics are if my husband of 47 years is having surgery, I want someone to hold my hand while I wait. I think really don't know how to handle this because I am so far away, because I haven't seen any of my family since Christmas. But I talked to my Granddad last week on the phone, as he told me how proud he was of me, and he had already put my graduation on the Calendar and couldn't wait to watch me walk across that stage.

I find it interesting that I've been so worried about my dramatic life, and getting an A on a final or in classes. And this has been happening. Its so much bigger. So much more important. It is just interesting how focused and single track minded on things sometimes that we forget what is really important in life and just how much of a blessing it is to simply be breathing and able to take a final. Able to have conflict with someone.

I guess I'm saying that, I'm taking today, (despite my massive final tomorrow) to really be thankful for the people in my life and the life around me. I don't need to stress about my final, I've got it - if I don't know this by now, I'm not going to really know it in the morning. (this doesn't mean I won't be slaving away in the library tonight, but you know). I just want to celebrate the life and people in my life that I've been given.


and in other news, I'm thoroughly enjoying the new Death Cab album!

intimacy

An interesting tid-bit of life is that intimacy progresses based on our perceptions of interactions, not on the interaction itself. When I look at my life this statement based on the Social Penetration Theory makes things so much clearer. A lot of things in life you may understand or perceive peoples intentions and that is what you base where your level of intimacy should go, or where it is. You pull back, you run away as fast as you can, you dive deeper, you stay where you are for now. So much of life is not based on interaction itself, but on how each person perceives it and chooses to move from there.

Once life happens it can never be the same again, that’s a hard concept to grasp. I can’t have Aqua 07 again, but I can make the best of the time I will have with Aqua 08. I can’t go back to a place where old relationships were; I can’t relieve those times. But I can take what I’ve learned from them and use that in my future.

I have a love hate relationship with graduation. I love that you get to move to the next chapter of your life, that things change and it gives you a chance to make choices for your life. But it takes people away, it means you have to make tough choices and you are becoming more and more of a grown up.

It’s hard to watch people you’ve loved become different people that you don’t want to be with. It’s hard when you’ve realized this has happened. It’s even harder when you can’t seem to get away from it. Some how it constantly follows you almost haunts you. What do you do with that? Maybe I’m not really prepared for life, or maybe I such at relationships… both things I think I would have been aware of before now I mean almost 23 years of my life has gone by and I’m just learning that. That’s odd.

I don’t know what I’d do with out some relationships in my life, but I’m not terrified of screwing them up. I don’t want to hurt these people. If I’m the problem, I don’t want them to have to go through pain because of me. I don’t want to be that self-deprecating person, but really lately I’ve just felt like I am the problem, and if I wasn’t’ in people’s lives it would be better for them.

I have a tough week ahead of me. A lot of things need to be decided and a lot of things have to be done. I don’t know how its going to happen.

is it true?

have you ever thought that maybe I just can't communicate to you. That I need to feel that you actually care about me as a person before I spill my life and guts to you. Maybe I have to deal with myself, and personal crap issues but I wouldn't be here if life hadn't played out like it did since spring break. or maybe since I came back to America. I can tell some people everything, and I know myself and I can feel the support and love in our relationship I know anything I say is safe. I can say my feelings and they understand and I know they are there for me. Some how what I want to say comes out. Others no matter what I say they don't understand it, they don't agree, so I've learned not waste my time with them. I feel like my relationship with adam and mine with brooke have fallen into the second category. And no matter what I do tell them, they don't get it... they don't want to. But they keep pushing thinking I'm not telling you things, or I'm not being honest with my feelings. When in fact they don't want to hear it. They don't want to believe it.
Some how they've got the idea that if they ask the right questions in the right way, I'll change how I feel and change my mind. I'M NOT GOING TO! I feel how I feel. I have denied owning my feelings for weeks. and when I finally do, you don't like it, you can't handle it.

I'm also not going to share things I don't feel people want to know. I'm sorry. I'm not just going to throw all my junk out there and go with it. If you want to hear it I'll know that, and it will come out. the end.

I'm sick of dealing with this drama. and feeling like its all my fault. I'm done with not liking myself and thinking everything is my fault. I talk to both of you and I still feel its my fault. I still feel blamed. You can blame me, you can hate me. I can't keep up life like this.

I learned a lot about myself and who I am while I was in London. I think that has hindered some of my friendships once I came back. They didn't know how to read me, they didn't understand what I was saying anymore. I don't think they even wanted to talk anymore. I'm banned from talking about London and traveling. I was banned after like a week. I didn't even get a chance to talk about it.

Why do we keep going in circles? I feel like we're having the same conversation over and over again and nothing but more hurt is happening. nothing is getting solved. nothing is getting better. I feel worse for making everyone else hurt and upset. I should have just kept it bottled up and found a way to deal with it. I'm so terribly sorry. I feel like a horrible person for it.

For an Optimist I've been pretty Pessimistic

Life has sucked for the last little bit. So much that I can't even find the energy to blog it most days. For a while I'd check blogger, start something and I couldn't finish.

I had a good day for the first time in I can't even remember how long. I left my apt at like 8:40 for class and came back for lunch and then I went to work and I didn't come back until well after midnight. All this to say, I didn't see my roommate. I didn't talk to her. However I did come home and she was in the living room with Joe*. They were once again cuddling on the couch, and I stupidly walked in in all confidence that because I'd had such a good day it wasn't going to shake me. I walk in the door. See them, and freeze. My chest is pounding. My head is saying drop your bags and run out. Leave. don't come back until later. So I just stand there. I think Joe started talking about whatever the crap they were watching. But I didn't hear a word of it, but I'm pretty sure, I did say mhmmm, in all the right places. Then all of the sudden after what felt like an hour of telling my feet to move, but was in reality like 3 minutes, they moved. I went straight to my room where I have remained since. I let some of those tears that I thought I didn't have any more of out.

And here I sit. On my bed, not tired. but I'm not moving either.

I just don't know what to do in this situation any more. Is this a point where you say, find a new roommate, I'm out? Is this the point that I've got to find all new friends? Is this the point I say I'll still live here, but you continue this and I won't hang out. If my some miracle it moves to a wedding I won't be there. I don't think anyone is prepared to handle this. And I hope many people don't have to even think about dealing with this. Because no matter what they tell you in Interpersonal Communication, its not the same as any "normal" conflict. This is so much different. Well maybe it just feels so much different, you expect other kinds of conflict but you never expect this from 2 of your best friends.

I wrote my roommate, Molly, a note explaining all my feelings and frustrations and pain. A large part of me wants to leave it at that. I said what I needed to, and I don't want to go any farther into pain. But there is some small part of me that wonders if we'll ever work this out. What our relationship and lives will look like in 5 years. even 1 year.


Noel, I will try very hard to be better. Remind me, and once I'm back in the habit we're golden.

I will say I'm sick of being a pessimist. and I miss people. I don't want to feel this way any more.

Real what does that even mean....

I hate that this has become a place where I just kind of rant when I'm having a bad day. I'm going to try to be better at that. I miss blogging a whole lot.

So anyways I guess back to the typical rant.... I some times feel like I shouldn't have even gone to London. Some days thats all I want to talk about, it was a life changing experience, I was more myself there than I think I've ever been. All of the "Samford expectations" (thanks Jen) are gone and you just get to know your housemates and people around the city. Its amazing. You don't think about who you tell things to and what you tell them. In my case you had 18 people and so you just poored your heart out to who ever was in the house and would listen. And it didn't matter what you told them they loved you, and you all just lived together and shared.
Well then you come back to Samford and things are different. It matters if you don't tell your best friends things but perhaps you talk about it with other people because of the nature of the information. As I recently dished to my lovely Aqua 08 office girls, I think I'll just put that paragraph here as it was in the email, because I don't know that I could say it as well as I did again....
"I'm pretty sure I'm being followed with cameras, and my life is really a hit TV show. Kind of like that movie with Jim Carey, I think it was the Truman Show. Anyways my life is much more dramatic, with a lot of awkward thrown in there. I always seem to be thrown into some awkward position. Or have some Drama in my life. I'm working on the name of my show, I'll let you know since you will all are becoming very important roles in this show. Although I'm pretty sure if it was a conspiracy, TV show where they are following me with cameras you'd all know the name of the show, as well as all the drama. haha. Along with the Drama there tends to be at least one funny story of the day, usually from and awkward moment, so you can look forward to those. I say all of this to lead into the finally of ways to you could pray
for me... Boy drama. haha, you should have known right. Its a really long, and strange story that I'm trying to process, and you can all get the full run down which I'm sure will be much better at training week... unless you really want it then I'll gladly share. But this is definitely an area I could use some intercession in, regarding wisdom and courage in some really difficult conversations that I have to have, as well as simply a peace as to what I'm supposed to do with
all of this."

I realize I haven't been so great at the relationships in my life, especially since I got back from London... they are so much harder here and there is so much school junk happening that I don't have a chance to catch my breath and work on all the relationships in my life. Also some of them I'm still trying to figure out, ever time I think I do something changes and I'm left baffled and really confused again.

I think later I'll get more of this out and clearly just lay out to my blog readers that are few and far between what is happening in my life. Maybe there will be some clarity when that happens.

But for now ... here we are.

Lots of little thoughts in the sea

Do you ever have those days when you can't seem to escape the fact that big thoughts, lots of thoughts are just running through your head. Some times there are so many that you just can't seem do do anything but think about them, and let them consume you. I had one of those days on Friday night/Saturday. We had a Londonites Reunion, and along with thoughts about life and where my life is going, and what I want from life, were these memories and friendships and good times. All of this just kind of took over me. I couldn't help but let them consume me. Taking the amazing and sweet memories we had and thinking about how they changed me, and affected how I see the world right now.
The days of London seem so far away, they seem so much like a dream. I mean did I really get to do that.

Never need a reason if you Step in Time

There are times in your life that you just want back. They were great, they were memories that you will tell your kids about and your grandkids, they will be the uphill in the snow with no shoes story, we all heard so many times. London was one of those times. I'm sure people are sick of the random stories that make no sense to them, but they all mean so much to me. For the past few weeks I have been participating in the phenomenon known as Step Sing at Samford. I love this time of year, maybe even more than Christmas.
Step Sing is one of those things that outsiders just don't understand, but it is what we live for. But with step sing I've also started back in classes on campus, and trying to live a life that I left behind for like 8 months. Trying to reconnect and find my place with friends I haven't seen or spent time with in 8 months, ichat just isn't the same. But also trying to find out where my london loves fit in my life. It has been an odd time of kind of being an outsider, you've got to see what your friends have been doing, and the fun they had while you were gone and try to fit back into that.
This weekend was the actual show for step sing, 3 weeks of practice displayed. But in this week of showing Samford a show we are so proud of and have poured ourselves into, its also the first chance since school started that you really have a chance to hang out with friends that are in other groups, this is somewhat impossible previously, with all the practice, school, and homework schedules. I got to hang out with my girls but I also got to hang out with the crew they've been hanging out with all fall. It was weird how well I felt I knew these people I'd just met, how tight we are... we've hung out like 3 times. One of them has been through this whole process before I did, so its been good to have someone know exactly what is going on, and to see they've made it through. But all of this to say, I think I've found my place back at Samford, yes I'd go back and live in the Daniel House in a heart beat. But I also wouldn't give these times up and the times I know are coming in our future for anything.
Its going to be interesting as the London group find out how to spend time together since some of us don't have the automatic see each other at practice but have also started to find out place back in the Samford world.

And I'd like to end this with I never thought I could love a group of 70 ladies so much. I <3 IL!!!!

Oh the Bliss of Painting....

If that isn't happiness I don't know what is.

Step Sing is in full swing, I'm excited to learn our whole show and seeing it come together. I go through bitter sweet moments of wishing I was directing again and thanking Jesus I'm not.

Life at Samford, its weird... I see my London family some, and I'm working my way back into the lives of my friends I left behind in May. I'm trying to figure out balancing 16 hours that included the first half of my senior research, a job, step sing, and a social life. But being back more than anything makes it hard to believe London happened. Did some of the best months and times of my life really happen, has my semester abroad really come and gone. How is that possible? Am I seriously graduating in Dec and am supposed to know what I want to do with my life or have an idea of what I'm going to do after graduation.

-School starts next week.
-Tomorrow has finally come, I can't tell you how long I've been looking forward to this day.
-Reunion is SWEET
-Step sing craziness stars this week. But I'm excited, I need my social life back. ;)
-With school starting that means I spend less time at work, which means less time with my babies, I'm sad about this. Friday is my last full day for a long time.
-I'm ready for my room to be put together and organized, I like it better that way.
-I'm feeling 'crafty' this is never a good sign.

the life that once was and is to come

So I think weekly I'm going to post a picture of my awesome "life that once was" but hopefully is still "to come"

so this is life...

I'm pretty sure any of you that were out there have long gone with my pathetic blogging skills and my internal debate is how I feel about this... a part of me says this is sad where has my public gone, but a larger part of me really likes it because it means i can put whatever I want up and most likely nobody is reading it and judging on your past participation levels it doesn't really matter because you won't comment.

I've now been in America for 1 month and 9 days. I can't believe it. It seems like it didn't happen, yet that it was a life time ago. And all I can find myself saying is "can I go back?"

My life these days basically consists of my walking class in the morning, yeah I just typed walking... and work, where I go on bear hunts, and am deprived of "cuddles". I'm trying to figure out my life in America, and get myself used to a schedule and a life that consists of running constantly from 8 to 5 or maybe even 11. I'll get there some day. It is my last week of Jan Term, and freedom, this is kinda scary. I am ready for people to come back and that life, only at the same time not. These are people I once knew and who once knew me, but is that still true? only time will tell. My return to America has shaken my world as I knew it slightly, which is a good thing but hard. I really am a different person now than when I left, and thats hard to step back into relationships with. Basically because of all of this relationships and life and people confuse me, this is fun... NOT!

Tonight I got pulled over by a cop for "yielding too much" whatever that means oh and going "under the speed limit". And because he realized that I had not broken a single law but he had pulled me over, I got a warning for not having my registration, this is because I had no idea what he was talking about I later found out this is a sticker on my car, so I did have it. So if I get pulled over in the next month I get a ticket because I got pulled over when I did not break a law and got a bogus warning. I also got a mini lecture on taking control and being in charge of the situation with a cop, because I told him he was making me nervous which is why I kept slowing down. I didn't want to get pulled over so I was trying to go the speed limit, which I wasn't positive on what it was. my life is awesome. my life is drama.