is it true?

have you ever thought that maybe I just can't communicate to you. That I need to feel that you actually care about me as a person before I spill my life and guts to you. Maybe I have to deal with myself, and personal crap issues but I wouldn't be here if life hadn't played out like it did since spring break. or maybe since I came back to America. I can tell some people everything, and I know myself and I can feel the support and love in our relationship I know anything I say is safe. I can say my feelings and they understand and I know they are there for me. Some how what I want to say comes out. Others no matter what I say they don't understand it, they don't agree, so I've learned not waste my time with them. I feel like my relationship with adam and mine with brooke have fallen into the second category. And no matter what I do tell them, they don't get it... they don't want to. But they keep pushing thinking I'm not telling you things, or I'm not being honest with my feelings. When in fact they don't want to hear it. They don't want to believe it.
Some how they've got the idea that if they ask the right questions in the right way, I'll change how I feel and change my mind. I'M NOT GOING TO! I feel how I feel. I have denied owning my feelings for weeks. and when I finally do, you don't like it, you can't handle it.

I'm also not going to share things I don't feel people want to know. I'm sorry. I'm not just going to throw all my junk out there and go with it. If you want to hear it I'll know that, and it will come out. the end.

I'm sick of dealing with this drama. and feeling like its all my fault. I'm done with not liking myself and thinking everything is my fault. I talk to both of you and I still feel its my fault. I still feel blamed. You can blame me, you can hate me. I can't keep up life like this.

I learned a lot about myself and who I am while I was in London. I think that has hindered some of my friendships once I came back. They didn't know how to read me, they didn't understand what I was saying anymore. I don't think they even wanted to talk anymore. I'm banned from talking about London and traveling. I was banned after like a week. I didn't even get a chance to talk about it.

Why do we keep going in circles? I feel like we're having the same conversation over and over again and nothing but more hurt is happening. nothing is getting solved. nothing is getting better. I feel worse for making everyone else hurt and upset. I should have just kept it bottled up and found a way to deal with it. I'm so terribly sorry. I feel like a horrible person for it.