For an Optimist I've been pretty Pessimistic

Life has sucked for the last little bit. So much that I can't even find the energy to blog it most days. For a while I'd check blogger, start something and I couldn't finish.

I had a good day for the first time in I can't even remember how long. I left my apt at like 8:40 for class and came back for lunch and then I went to work and I didn't come back until well after midnight. All this to say, I didn't see my roommate. I didn't talk to her. However I did come home and she was in the living room with Joe*. They were once again cuddling on the couch, and I stupidly walked in in all confidence that because I'd had such a good day it wasn't going to shake me. I walk in the door. See them, and freeze. My chest is pounding. My head is saying drop your bags and run out. Leave. don't come back until later. So I just stand there. I think Joe started talking about whatever the crap they were watching. But I didn't hear a word of it, but I'm pretty sure, I did say mhmmm, in all the right places. Then all of the sudden after what felt like an hour of telling my feet to move, but was in reality like 3 minutes, they moved. I went straight to my room where I have remained since. I let some of those tears that I thought I didn't have any more of out.

And here I sit. On my bed, not tired. but I'm not moving either.

I just don't know what to do in this situation any more. Is this a point where you say, find a new roommate, I'm out? Is this the point that I've got to find all new friends? Is this the point I say I'll still live here, but you continue this and I won't hang out. If my some miracle it moves to a wedding I won't be there. I don't think anyone is prepared to handle this. And I hope many people don't have to even think about dealing with this. Because no matter what they tell you in Interpersonal Communication, its not the same as any "normal" conflict. This is so much different. Well maybe it just feels so much different, you expect other kinds of conflict but you never expect this from 2 of your best friends.

I wrote my roommate, Molly, a note explaining all my feelings and frustrations and pain. A large part of me wants to leave it at that. I said what I needed to, and I don't want to go any farther into pain. But there is some small part of me that wonders if we'll ever work this out. What our relationship and lives will look like in 5 years. even 1 year.


Noel, I will try very hard to be better. Remind me, and once I'm back in the habit we're golden.

I will say I'm sick of being a pessimist. and I miss people. I don't want to feel this way any more.