It's like a book elegantly bound, but in a language that you can't read just yet

I just found out from my mom, (who waited until after my final this morning to tell me) that my Granddad had a heart attack yesterday and is currently having triple bypass surgery as I type this.

I don't really think I know how to handle this right now. But all I can think right now is that no one is sitting with my Grandma holding her hand through this. My parents are at work. Personally, I don't care what the statistics are if my husband of 47 years is having surgery, I want someone to hold my hand while I wait. I think really don't know how to handle this because I am so far away, because I haven't seen any of my family since Christmas. But I talked to my Granddad last week on the phone, as he told me how proud he was of me, and he had already put my graduation on the Calendar and couldn't wait to watch me walk across that stage.

I find it interesting that I've been so worried about my dramatic life, and getting an A on a final or in classes. And this has been happening. Its so much bigger. So much more important. It is just interesting how focused and single track minded on things sometimes that we forget what is really important in life and just how much of a blessing it is to simply be breathing and able to take a final. Able to have conflict with someone.

I guess I'm saying that, I'm taking today, (despite my massive final tomorrow) to really be thankful for the people in my life and the life around me. I don't need to stress about my final, I've got it - if I don't know this by now, I'm not going to really know it in the morning. (this doesn't mean I won't be slaving away in the library tonight, but you know). I just want to celebrate the life and people in my life that I've been given.


and in other news, I'm thoroughly enjoying the new Death Cab album!

intimacy

An interesting tid-bit of life is that intimacy progresses based on our perceptions of interactions, not on the interaction itself. When I look at my life this statement based on the Social Penetration Theory makes things so much clearer. A lot of things in life you may understand or perceive peoples intentions and that is what you base where your level of intimacy should go, or where it is. You pull back, you run away as fast as you can, you dive deeper, you stay where you are for now. So much of life is not based on interaction itself, but on how each person perceives it and chooses to move from there.

Once life happens it can never be the same again, that’s a hard concept to grasp. I can’t have Aqua 07 again, but I can make the best of the time I will have with Aqua 08. I can’t go back to a place where old relationships were; I can’t relieve those times. But I can take what I’ve learned from them and use that in my future.

I have a love hate relationship with graduation. I love that you get to move to the next chapter of your life, that things change and it gives you a chance to make choices for your life. But it takes people away, it means you have to make tough choices and you are becoming more and more of a grown up.

It’s hard to watch people you’ve loved become different people that you don’t want to be with. It’s hard when you’ve realized this has happened. It’s even harder when you can’t seem to get away from it. Some how it constantly follows you almost haunts you. What do you do with that? Maybe I’m not really prepared for life, or maybe I such at relationships… both things I think I would have been aware of before now I mean almost 23 years of my life has gone by and I’m just learning that. That’s odd.

I don’t know what I’d do with out some relationships in my life, but I’m not terrified of screwing them up. I don’t want to hurt these people. If I’m the problem, I don’t want them to have to go through pain because of me. I don’t want to be that self-deprecating person, but really lately I’ve just felt like I am the problem, and if I wasn’t’ in people’s lives it would be better for them.

I have a tough week ahead of me. A lot of things need to be decided and a lot of things have to be done. I don’t know how its going to happen.

is it true?

have you ever thought that maybe I just can't communicate to you. That I need to feel that you actually care about me as a person before I spill my life and guts to you. Maybe I have to deal with myself, and personal crap issues but I wouldn't be here if life hadn't played out like it did since spring break. or maybe since I came back to America. I can tell some people everything, and I know myself and I can feel the support and love in our relationship I know anything I say is safe. I can say my feelings and they understand and I know they are there for me. Some how what I want to say comes out. Others no matter what I say they don't understand it, they don't agree, so I've learned not waste my time with them. I feel like my relationship with adam and mine with brooke have fallen into the second category. And no matter what I do tell them, they don't get it... they don't want to. But they keep pushing thinking I'm not telling you things, or I'm not being honest with my feelings. When in fact they don't want to hear it. They don't want to believe it.
Some how they've got the idea that if they ask the right questions in the right way, I'll change how I feel and change my mind. I'M NOT GOING TO! I feel how I feel. I have denied owning my feelings for weeks. and when I finally do, you don't like it, you can't handle it.

I'm also not going to share things I don't feel people want to know. I'm sorry. I'm not just going to throw all my junk out there and go with it. If you want to hear it I'll know that, and it will come out. the end.

I'm sick of dealing with this drama. and feeling like its all my fault. I'm done with not liking myself and thinking everything is my fault. I talk to both of you and I still feel its my fault. I still feel blamed. You can blame me, you can hate me. I can't keep up life like this.

I learned a lot about myself and who I am while I was in London. I think that has hindered some of my friendships once I came back. They didn't know how to read me, they didn't understand what I was saying anymore. I don't think they even wanted to talk anymore. I'm banned from talking about London and traveling. I was banned after like a week. I didn't even get a chance to talk about it.

Why do we keep going in circles? I feel like we're having the same conversation over and over again and nothing but more hurt is happening. nothing is getting solved. nothing is getting better. I feel worse for making everyone else hurt and upset. I should have just kept it bottled up and found a way to deal with it. I'm so terribly sorry. I feel like a horrible person for it.

For an Optimist I've been pretty Pessimistic

Life has sucked for the last little bit. So much that I can't even find the energy to blog it most days. For a while I'd check blogger, start something and I couldn't finish.

I had a good day for the first time in I can't even remember how long. I left my apt at like 8:40 for class and came back for lunch and then I went to work and I didn't come back until well after midnight. All this to say, I didn't see my roommate. I didn't talk to her. However I did come home and she was in the living room with Joe*. They were once again cuddling on the couch, and I stupidly walked in in all confidence that because I'd had such a good day it wasn't going to shake me. I walk in the door. See them, and freeze. My chest is pounding. My head is saying drop your bags and run out. Leave. don't come back until later. So I just stand there. I think Joe started talking about whatever the crap they were watching. But I didn't hear a word of it, but I'm pretty sure, I did say mhmmm, in all the right places. Then all of the sudden after what felt like an hour of telling my feet to move, but was in reality like 3 minutes, they moved. I went straight to my room where I have remained since. I let some of those tears that I thought I didn't have any more of out.

And here I sit. On my bed, not tired. but I'm not moving either.

I just don't know what to do in this situation any more. Is this a point where you say, find a new roommate, I'm out? Is this the point that I've got to find all new friends? Is this the point I say I'll still live here, but you continue this and I won't hang out. If my some miracle it moves to a wedding I won't be there. I don't think anyone is prepared to handle this. And I hope many people don't have to even think about dealing with this. Because no matter what they tell you in Interpersonal Communication, its not the same as any "normal" conflict. This is so much different. Well maybe it just feels so much different, you expect other kinds of conflict but you never expect this from 2 of your best friends.

I wrote my roommate, Molly, a note explaining all my feelings and frustrations and pain. A large part of me wants to leave it at that. I said what I needed to, and I don't want to go any farther into pain. But there is some small part of me that wonders if we'll ever work this out. What our relationship and lives will look like in 5 years. even 1 year.


Noel, I will try very hard to be better. Remind me, and once I'm back in the habit we're golden.

I will say I'm sick of being a pessimist. and I miss people. I don't want to feel this way any more.