Songs of Home

so my friend Erin did this a few days ago on her blog and if I actually kept up with this I'd know how to link to her there but I don't. I'll figure it out one day.

Ok so the game is name some songs that remind you of home and tell why.

1. Earl had to Die- Dixie Chicks: not only does it have the classic twangs of country music, I vividly remember belting this song at every particular moment one year at Disciple Now. As soon as this song starts or even upon hearing the name, I am instantly taken back to all of us sitting in my living room at that D'now singing this song. I believe this was also the same year we convinced my parents to let us wrestle.

2. Don't take the Girl - Tim McGraw: I realize that most country songs will remind me of home and growing up considering I grew up in small town Texas where we only listened to country music for awhile. But this song was my favorite when I was younger, I'm pretty sure I still remember every word. And I can see myself sitting in the back of my mom's Buick sing it, and then asking my parents to rewind it and start it over. George Strait's "Check Yes or NO" has the same affect on me.

3. Don't run to the TV- I don't know the actual name of this song or any part other than one verse. But this song or I guess these lyrics instantly take me back to sitting in the choir room at FBC Canyon with Dan the Man. The lyrics i remember incase you are wondering are: "don't run to the TV it doesn't love you, it doesn't know you from a hole in the ground. There's a hole in your heart, there's a hurt in your self. You just need Jesus like everyone else." Inspiring right?

4. I saw the Sign- Ace of Base: I can remember many a dances we made up while listening to this song.

5. Lean on Me- in the recent episode of Glee where they sang this song, I totally had a flashback to "SHOW KIDS" and was in the choir room at Oscar Hinger/on the square in those purple shirts singing away.

6. Bye, Bye, Bye - N'sync and Mmmbop - Hanson: totally take me back to junior high. I loved boy bands.

7. Anything Spice Girls, takes me back to "uptown girls" in 5th grade and early Junior high

8. Ironic - Alanis Morrisette: I'm sitting in Mrs. Kuhlman's class. I totally associate most of Alanis with junior high, I remember loving "hand in my pocket" too. And the "Bitch song" as we called it, takes me back to junior high Tennis.

9. New Kids on the Block: I loved them, I had the sleeping back and all. I remember my cousins had this fisher price "band" thing. We would all take our places and most of the time we were singing a New kids song.

10. Caedmon's Call: I can't remember the song but there is one song that is still on my computer and when it comes up in the shuffle I am taken back the the streets of Canyon. With the no trees and lots of dirt and the Braums.

now its your turn...

when everything seems to be going wrong

Right now I live with a family that I babysit for, they are very gracious in allowing me to basically be part of the family. They are going through a season of struggles right now, and its good that I can be here to help but also hard to watch. I mean, I'm 23, I'm just figuring out the struggles of "real life" and how to live a life with out school, and be a responsible member of the adult world.

Today I was reminded while talking with the mom of this family what life is like in a season of struggles. I'm an optimist, so even while I am struggling with a whole lot going on in my life, I still naturally look for all that is good and right in the world and choose to focus on that rather than all the negative around me. So its hard for me to see people struggling with things that life throws at them and have the right understanding to help them through it. Today the best I could come up with this as this mom is just stressing about one thing after the other, was that as soon as you let one little (or huge) thing stress you out and you don't bounce up ready for the next thing, you start to feel like you'll never get up like things will never be right again. Because as you slowly get up from a fall something else can hit you before you ever fully recover, and then something else and something else. So it just feels like you can't win and you begin to feel defeat. However, if you'd just hopped right up the first time, no matter how hard it may seem, you'll be on your feet ready for the next one and it won't feel like it hit as quickly.

Maybe this doesn't even make sense, but I just picture this guy (he's a stick figure) and he is running on a I guess its a track I'm not sure though. Anyways, he's running and he sees a hurtle, but by the time he gets to the hurtle, its taller than he thought it would be and he doesn't make it over. Well instead of getting straight up and continuing on, to find out what is next. He takes his time and kinda crawls a little before getting up and walking and then starting to run again. Only by the time he starts running again, a lot of time has passed but he can't seem to stop thinking about this hurtle that he missed. And then he's not looking where he's going and he falls in a hole. (this is a very dangerous kind of track thing in my head.) So now he's lying in a hole going, what is going on, and again taking his time to crawl out. Well as he gets his hands to the top to get out, a rock falls and knocks him back down. He finally gets out of the hole and he runs into a tree, and so on and so on. And his path just seems to be the only one with all these obstacles on it, I mean he looks at the other people running and he doesn't see them having a problem. He doesn't know that bob 5 lanes over, ran into a tree while he was trying to get out of his hole. He seems to think the world is against him and totally for everyone else. But maybe if he'd just gotten straight up from that first hurtle, and stopped worrying about it he would have seen the hole and then seen the tree. Its worth a shot at least.

can't you see its not a race

Most nights when I get home, I sit down for a few minutes and wonder where my day has gone. When I woke up that morning I thought I was going to have some free time to read, or catch up on tv shows I've missed through out the week, or even do my laundry. I mean I work PT at a photography studio, but that's only been happening this week, and I babysit... but where on earth is the rest of my time going.

I mean I'd like to say I spend it doing something awesome but I really have no idea. I think part of this has to do with my extroverted-ness... If I'm going to do something to fill my time, especially in this state of my life where things are so chaotic, its going to be something where I'm surrounded by people.

Enough of that, lets do a quick recap like update of Tiffany's life...

1. I just got a job at a photography studio, we do preschool and daycare school photos. As well as dance schools and maybe teams... I don't really know about that. I still am not 100% sure what I do, or if I'm even going to like it... but its a job for now.

2. I babysit a whole lot. I can look at my calendar for next week right now and see 1 babysitting job but by the end of next week, I will have babysat at least 5 of the 7 days in the week. I am so Thankful that God provides jobs and I randomly keep surviving. I guess it gives a little reassurance that at least for now, I am doing the right thing. It helps with the whole I quit my full-time job and haven't found a new one maybe I shouldn't have quit thoughts.

3. A kid I love dearly, most likely he's my favorite kid on the planet (for sure top 5), had brain surgery last week. He is doing incredibly well and is the bravest kid I know. This whole brain surgery thing was a little much for me at first considering how much I love this kid... but also because just a month before his surgery another kid I babysit had brain surgery. What are the odds that extremely empathetic Tiffany would have 2 kids going through MAJOR brain surgeries within a month of each other? So this has been a very emotional few weeks, as I try to understand or at least as God what he was trying to teach me with both of these children going through this. Maybe I'm figuring a few things out, we'll still have to see.

4. I live with a family I babysit for, since my bestie had to go off and get married on me. ;) At first I thought I was moving away from b'ham, now I kind of feel like God's not done with me here, but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do next. I am very thankful for the family that is letting me live with them and be a part of their family.

5. Some times living with other people makes your life a little complicated. Like right now, I'm actually staying with another family I babysit for because the original family has some extended family in town for the weekend. Again, so thankful for my network here. Also, its really cold in the 'ham... I did not keep enough warm clothes or shoes... I think I wear my "boots with the fur" almost every day. Hopefully soon, I will see my schedule at least getting enough consistency that I can get an apt or figure out what I'm supposed to be doing next.

6. There might be a new person in my life... we're still figuring out how we feel about him. ;)

I really do wish I updated this more, I just forget and blogging is such an alone act... I mean I barely keep up with all the blogs I follow these days. One day I will get better, I am trying... but no promises. ;)

Kool-aid

Well, folks as I continue in this thing we call a job search I've learned a few things....

- although in my head right now I think that I am fully qualified for a lot of jobs and would love them and succeed in them... when I start reading job descriptions online for jobs I hear this voice in my head that is my former employer saying that I am not qualified, I will never get those jobs, and I might as well just see if maybe McDonalds will take me because that's all I've got left as an option.

- I also am incredibly nervous to end up working for a crappy organization like I did the last time. Maybe I'm being too cautions... I used to be an optimist, but right now I feel very pessimistic about every organization I look at.

- I think I drank the Kool-aid for an organization, that I never thought I would. But the problem with falling in love with an organization, or job is when you don't get it. It's hard. And let me just say, being in the final 2 inconsideration for the job doesn't help too much with this process.

-I really and honestly don't know where I want to be right now, or what I want to be doing. There are just so many options that its overwhelming and I have a hard time even answering that question when people ask.

- I might be too honest of a person of normal job interviews. I want to tell the truth and be respected for doing so. Instead, I've been taught/trained to give them the answers they want to hear and figure out the rest later.

- I had an interview on Friday, most unconventional interview I've ever had... I think I liked it that way. Problem is it was so casual and un-normal for me that I don't really know how to tell people how it went or if I will get hired from it. (good think I've got somebody on the inside ;) )

- One of my best friends is getting married in 19 days ... I can't believe it. I also have to find a new place to live in 19 days, and have some kind of a plan of what I'm doing in life... no pressure on me.

-With that wedding in 19 days, we have dresses we have to wear in the wedding, we still don't have them... I'm a little nervous. What if the dress doesn't fit someone, or alterations have to happen... I haven't been able to think about much else since I realized this. I'm terrified, mine isn't going to fit me.

what just happened

this weekend I decided to turn in my two weeks notice, and that I wasn't going to live in the apartment I am currently living in anymore. I have no idea where I am going to work, or live when my time is up. I'll figure all that out as I go, I have things and places to get me by. But I don't really know what is next. I'm kinda terrified, but I know this is the right decision. (well I think I do)

I prepare how I'm going to quite, and I am ready. I walk into work today, my plan was to clock in, sign in, go through staff meeting and then turn in my two weeks notice as I walked out to get in the van. I had it all rehearsed. And here's what really happened, I get to work, I walk in, I walk past the case manager's office and she says, "Tiffany after you clock in we're going to meet with Mr. Phil" (not to be confused with Dr. Phil). I say "Oh Crap" to myself and look at Brandon the other Street Outreach person (SOR), he knows nothing. I clock in, and we all hop in the van and speed off to Alabaster. Oh did I mention Shawn didn't come to work today... yeah.

We come out of the meeting being told we had different hours, and a few other things. I told them I was planning to quit, but I didn't know how this meeting was going to affect my quitting.

I now have to decide how that meeting affects my quitting. I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter. I don't think anything will change. except that if I continue this job, I won't see my friends ever... and I have to give up every regular babysitting job I have... which is a huge part of my income. Basically I do know exactly how it affects my decision but it doesn't mean I'm not still freaked out about how HUGE the decisions I made this weekend really are.

the clock keeps ticking

- I don't like that I've been Debbie Downer on Adulthood for the past few months.

- Time keeps going by and I keep not being sure what exactly I'm doing. I think doors are opening but as I move toward them or inside is there going to be a door slammed in my face. We shall see.

- I got an amazing phone call last week, that lead to an incredible interview, for my dream job. At least for now dream job. So we are playing the waiting game and learning yet again about patience one of life's hardest lessons I'm convinced.

- I've been really busy. I don't really know where all my "spare time" went but I would like just a little bit of it back. I do like being busy, it just doesn't leave much time for thinking about life decisions. (however this is good with the waiting game I'm playing currently)

- I have had some really encouraging conversations with people around me and in my life. They have made me even more thankful to know them and aware of how blessed I am.

- I went home to Texas, and I liked it. I loved being able to see all of the people in that community that have helped to raise me and shape me into who I am. I loved seeing the children, who's lives I got to shape and the fact that they remembered me was the icing on the cake. I met some new great people, that I would love to be able to sit and talk with. Which makes me wonder if a move to Texas and slightly closer to home would be good for me.

- I have been overcome by a strong desire and perhaps need to get myself out of this country again soon. To be back in Europe, and to be seeing and experiencing new things.

- And for the funny story of the day, My supervisor called me today and told me he needed me to go to "Sweet Daddy's". I didn't know what sweet daddy's was but he told me the part of town and my first reaction of this place is shady I think I'm already uncomfortable was becoming stronger. Then as he explains how to get there he tells me about a giant pig sign and says, "Sweet Daddy's" the BBQ joint is right past that. I was only mildly less concerned because who would eat at a place called "Sweet Daddy's"

Adulthood

ok so I know I've only been an official adult for about 6 months, but I would like to make a few statements about adulthood.

1. Adulthood is HARD. No one tells you how hard it is. There are decisions, that could alter the rest of your life, and you don't have any security when you make them.

2. As a single adult, it sounds great that you can go anywhere or do whatever. But it also is scary and some times it'd be nice to have someone to help you make your decision.

3. Life is filled with drama, we can't escape it. But I have to say, in my short 6 month experience I'd like to say I think the drama is worse as an adult than any other time. Maybe that is because you can blame it on being young or something before.

Also, this is a big decision but I think I'm looking to move back to Texas... my top cities are

San Antonio and Austin

then Houston and Dallas area.

If anyone knows people in these areas or lives there and has ideas of places I can send my resume and such to that'd be awesome. The people in these areas might be what freaks me out the most, so there it is.

I'm sure there is more to come. When I figure more out....