camp life update

6 camps down, 3 to go.

It's all down hill now.

4 camps in 8 days, bring it on. 7000 campers, give me a challenge. Registering 220 churches in one day, any time.

There are moments during the summer when I ask myself why am I doing this. Why did I sign up for this for a 3rd time? When you are -100 beds for a camp.... thats a moment when this happens. Nametags, why would I put myself through that again. ;) But last night I got to sit in the middle of a room where God was at work in 7000 campers hearts, and I was given to opportunity to just sit and watch. And that was a moment for me where I simply said, "oh yeah! this is why I'm here."

ryan started the fire!

Some times I just think a lot. I really want to go back to London. I miss it terribly. I just can't believe that I was give the opportunities that I was. One year ago, I was terrified of what was to come, yet terribly excited. I had yet to go to amazing places I'd only dreamed of. One year ago, I was planning what to pack, and what I had to buy, and how much I could do during the summer because I was saving. It was actually in Padre last year that I decided to order my camera that I would then be taken around the world, and would be attached to me for 4 incredible months.
How was I to know that 4 months with 18 amazing people would change my life. I didn't but OMG what I would do to get it back. This is also about the time that they emailed me my flight itinerary and it suddenly became real, registering for classes, a few meetings, paying, that all happens every semester... but getting a plane itinerary, knowing that on August 26th you are beginning an adventure in Europe, but that on Dec 10 you have to be back, makes it real.

Tonight, like a saint Justin came and took my place on camera during the sermon so I got to just sit and listen. I had no idea where they were looking in the Bible, I just kinda got to sit relax and listen to whatever I picked up. All of the sudden Greg has the students say,

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."


and then they repeated it 2 more times. It got me a little bit. I'm not alone in battles, God will fight for me, its just hard to remember that some times. Although he shows it every time, and in every tough situation, he is there, I now just need to remember in those times, that "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." - Exodus 14:14
I've made some big decisions lately, there will be more on them to come. But I say that to say I couldn't have made them with out some of the amazing people that surround me this summer. Who knew that story time with Tiffany would lead to all this support? This is also the first summer that I've worked where people are actually awake in van rides instead of sleeping the entire way.... its fantastic.

So we've been a little busy....

I love my team. There isn't one person that I just don't like and want to run away from. We bonded quickly. We hit some stride or something very early and we've just been able to run with it. Because of this we don't have to help each other with their jobs, we want to help people with their jobs. It's been a huge blessing. I'm dreading the goodbye in front of the office come August. We don't have anyone who will hook up at the end of the summer so that took away what could have been potentially awkward situations or just drama. We all have this feeling of ok we can hang out and get to know each other, and those of us who are huggers, �can hug and know nothing but our friendship and family-hood are coming from it. We can really be honest about our lives and share a lot and just be real. This is the first team that I've been on that we've been this real, this early. We just kinda laid it on the table from day one and said lets go. Its fantastic. I couldn't ask for anything better. A lot of us are around the same stage of life. Some of us the exact same, its amazing to see how we got put together.
As for camp, this past week has been a blessing. Although it was a beast of a week, because we were doing 2 camps at the same time; we had an amazing band leading worship and a fantastic camp pastor. Both that really invested in our staff. They took a lot of time to hang out and get to know us. It was really encouraging after our last 2 weeks. It was an exhausting week that started when we left for the worship center every morning at 6:30 and ended around 12, with no stopping in-between. But it really was a great week. I loved being able to see God move in the lives of our students, and seeing how he worked in completely different ways in the 2 services (we did the same exact thing, but it was always different) it was amazing. It was also a time for us to do our job and figure out what was going on in the first service, but then we got to actually take a breath in the second one. I'm actually looking forward doing it again this time.
For awhile we kept going what's it going to be today, first week it was tornadoes, and evacuating students in the middle of the night. Second week, we had to deal with a fire marshall, and some other random things that went along with it. And then we walked into our third camp knowing the challenge ahead of time, 2 camps at a time. I will say though that our personalities aren't the greatest this week, we've already had our speaker once and he is not doing a single thing differently so the fact that we've got him 4 times a day isn't so great. But we do have fantastic concert artists this week and we love them.

God's been teaching me a lot about forgiveness lately. I know why. And I'm working on that.
Forgiveness sets you free. I know this, I've told students this over and over and over again. But it is so much easier to say to them than to do it in your own life. I mean how do I know while I'm removed from the situation and real life if its true, if I really do mean it. But I've got to be free of this, the path to healing is marked with forgiveness. If I'm striving to be like Jesus, Jesus forgave; and I can't keep this with me. I know that I still need to give forgiveness to some people, God reminds me constantly about it, that I need to work towards that, that its an important part of the healing process. God's really been working on me this week and I've gotten to this point where, it's easy for me to say right now I forgive you. I don't have to see you, I don't have to interact except through things (i.e. text, facebook, email). But I don't know if I can say I forgive you and know if I really mean it come August when camp is gone, when the support of my team isn't standing with me literally, and I'm thrown back into the real world where its not so easy. I can already feel the weight of this lifting by just being able to being comprehending this much and sharing it.
I've also come to this point where I know that I can't promise a friendship come August, but I'm praying that by then I can forgive you and be done with this. Its also been huge for me to realize that just because I forgive someone doesn't mean I have to be buddy buddy with them or go back to where I thought we were come August.
I'm going to be honest that as much as I wanted and needed camp to come, and I don't think I would have made it if camp hadn't come; it does make an actual healing process harder because I am so removed from the real world and the situation. Although it has also aided in that I've had an amazing team to just talk with and they've come along side me and my life has brought us closer. There are 3 of us girls that went through crap at the exact same time, and it has been amazing for us to sit and tell our stories and help each other, to give updates constantly and just to really be able to share real life.

It was reading tonight and both of these kinda slapped me in the face and well I'm learning....

14For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. - Matthew 6.14-15

38"You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.'^[g] 39But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. 40And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. 41If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. 42Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you. - Matthew 5.38-42

3"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. - Matthew 7.3-5

It's like a book elegantly bound, but in a language that you can't read just yet

I just found out from my mom, (who waited until after my final this morning to tell me) that my Granddad had a heart attack yesterday and is currently having triple bypass surgery as I type this.

I don't really think I know how to handle this right now. But all I can think right now is that no one is sitting with my Grandma holding her hand through this. My parents are at work. Personally, I don't care what the statistics are if my husband of 47 years is having surgery, I want someone to hold my hand while I wait. I think really don't know how to handle this because I am so far away, because I haven't seen any of my family since Christmas. But I talked to my Granddad last week on the phone, as he told me how proud he was of me, and he had already put my graduation on the Calendar and couldn't wait to watch me walk across that stage.

I find it interesting that I've been so worried about my dramatic life, and getting an A on a final or in classes. And this has been happening. Its so much bigger. So much more important. It is just interesting how focused and single track minded on things sometimes that we forget what is really important in life and just how much of a blessing it is to simply be breathing and able to take a final. Able to have conflict with someone.

I guess I'm saying that, I'm taking today, (despite my massive final tomorrow) to really be thankful for the people in my life and the life around me. I don't need to stress about my final, I've got it - if I don't know this by now, I'm not going to really know it in the morning. (this doesn't mean I won't be slaving away in the library tonight, but you know). I just want to celebrate the life and people in my life that I've been given.


and in other news, I'm thoroughly enjoying the new Death Cab album!

intimacy

An interesting tid-bit of life is that intimacy progresses based on our perceptions of interactions, not on the interaction itself. When I look at my life this statement based on the Social Penetration Theory makes things so much clearer. A lot of things in life you may understand or perceive peoples intentions and that is what you base where your level of intimacy should go, or where it is. You pull back, you run away as fast as you can, you dive deeper, you stay where you are for now. So much of life is not based on interaction itself, but on how each person perceives it and chooses to move from there.

Once life happens it can never be the same again, that’s a hard concept to grasp. I can’t have Aqua 07 again, but I can make the best of the time I will have with Aqua 08. I can’t go back to a place where old relationships were; I can’t relieve those times. But I can take what I’ve learned from them and use that in my future.

I have a love hate relationship with graduation. I love that you get to move to the next chapter of your life, that things change and it gives you a chance to make choices for your life. But it takes people away, it means you have to make tough choices and you are becoming more and more of a grown up.

It’s hard to watch people you’ve loved become different people that you don’t want to be with. It’s hard when you’ve realized this has happened. It’s even harder when you can’t seem to get away from it. Some how it constantly follows you almost haunts you. What do you do with that? Maybe I’m not really prepared for life, or maybe I such at relationships… both things I think I would have been aware of before now I mean almost 23 years of my life has gone by and I’m just learning that. That’s odd.

I don’t know what I’d do with out some relationships in my life, but I’m not terrified of screwing them up. I don’t want to hurt these people. If I’m the problem, I don’t want them to have to go through pain because of me. I don’t want to be that self-deprecating person, but really lately I’ve just felt like I am the problem, and if I wasn’t’ in people’s lives it would be better for them.

I have a tough week ahead of me. A lot of things need to be decided and a lot of things have to be done. I don’t know how its going to happen.

is it true?

have you ever thought that maybe I just can't communicate to you. That I need to feel that you actually care about me as a person before I spill my life and guts to you. Maybe I have to deal with myself, and personal crap issues but I wouldn't be here if life hadn't played out like it did since spring break. or maybe since I came back to America. I can tell some people everything, and I know myself and I can feel the support and love in our relationship I know anything I say is safe. I can say my feelings and they understand and I know they are there for me. Some how what I want to say comes out. Others no matter what I say they don't understand it, they don't agree, so I've learned not waste my time with them. I feel like my relationship with adam and mine with brooke have fallen into the second category. And no matter what I do tell them, they don't get it... they don't want to. But they keep pushing thinking I'm not telling you things, or I'm not being honest with my feelings. When in fact they don't want to hear it. They don't want to believe it.
Some how they've got the idea that if they ask the right questions in the right way, I'll change how I feel and change my mind. I'M NOT GOING TO! I feel how I feel. I have denied owning my feelings for weeks. and when I finally do, you don't like it, you can't handle it.

I'm also not going to share things I don't feel people want to know. I'm sorry. I'm not just going to throw all my junk out there and go with it. If you want to hear it I'll know that, and it will come out. the end.

I'm sick of dealing with this drama. and feeling like its all my fault. I'm done with not liking myself and thinking everything is my fault. I talk to both of you and I still feel its my fault. I still feel blamed. You can blame me, you can hate me. I can't keep up life like this.

I learned a lot about myself and who I am while I was in London. I think that has hindered some of my friendships once I came back. They didn't know how to read me, they didn't understand what I was saying anymore. I don't think they even wanted to talk anymore. I'm banned from talking about London and traveling. I was banned after like a week. I didn't even get a chance to talk about it.

Why do we keep going in circles? I feel like we're having the same conversation over and over again and nothing but more hurt is happening. nothing is getting solved. nothing is getting better. I feel worse for making everyone else hurt and upset. I should have just kept it bottled up and found a way to deal with it. I'm so terribly sorry. I feel like a horrible person for it.

For an Optimist I've been pretty Pessimistic

Life has sucked for the last little bit. So much that I can't even find the energy to blog it most days. For a while I'd check blogger, start something and I couldn't finish.

I had a good day for the first time in I can't even remember how long. I left my apt at like 8:40 for class and came back for lunch and then I went to work and I didn't come back until well after midnight. All this to say, I didn't see my roommate. I didn't talk to her. However I did come home and she was in the living room with Joe*. They were once again cuddling on the couch, and I stupidly walked in in all confidence that because I'd had such a good day it wasn't going to shake me. I walk in the door. See them, and freeze. My chest is pounding. My head is saying drop your bags and run out. Leave. don't come back until later. So I just stand there. I think Joe started talking about whatever the crap they were watching. But I didn't hear a word of it, but I'm pretty sure, I did say mhmmm, in all the right places. Then all of the sudden after what felt like an hour of telling my feet to move, but was in reality like 3 minutes, they moved. I went straight to my room where I have remained since. I let some of those tears that I thought I didn't have any more of out.

And here I sit. On my bed, not tired. but I'm not moving either.

I just don't know what to do in this situation any more. Is this a point where you say, find a new roommate, I'm out? Is this the point that I've got to find all new friends? Is this the point I say I'll still live here, but you continue this and I won't hang out. If my some miracle it moves to a wedding I won't be there. I don't think anyone is prepared to handle this. And I hope many people don't have to even think about dealing with this. Because no matter what they tell you in Interpersonal Communication, its not the same as any "normal" conflict. This is so much different. Well maybe it just feels so much different, you expect other kinds of conflict but you never expect this from 2 of your best friends.

I wrote my roommate, Molly, a note explaining all my feelings and frustrations and pain. A large part of me wants to leave it at that. I said what I needed to, and I don't want to go any farther into pain. But there is some small part of me that wonders if we'll ever work this out. What our relationship and lives will look like in 5 years. even 1 year.


Noel, I will try very hard to be better. Remind me, and once I'm back in the habit we're golden.

I will say I'm sick of being a pessimist. and I miss people. I don't want to feel this way any more.