intimacy

An interesting tid-bit of life is that intimacy progresses based on our perceptions of interactions, not on the interaction itself. When I look at my life this statement based on the Social Penetration Theory makes things so much clearer. A lot of things in life you may understand or perceive peoples intentions and that is what you base where your level of intimacy should go, or where it is. You pull back, you run away as fast as you can, you dive deeper, you stay where you are for now. So much of life is not based on interaction itself, but on how each person perceives it and chooses to move from there.

Once life happens it can never be the same again, that’s a hard concept to grasp. I can’t have Aqua 07 again, but I can make the best of the time I will have with Aqua 08. I can’t go back to a place where old relationships were; I can’t relieve those times. But I can take what I’ve learned from them and use that in my future.

I have a love hate relationship with graduation. I love that you get to move to the next chapter of your life, that things change and it gives you a chance to make choices for your life. But it takes people away, it means you have to make tough choices and you are becoming more and more of a grown up.

It’s hard to watch people you’ve loved become different people that you don’t want to be with. It’s hard when you’ve realized this has happened. It’s even harder when you can’t seem to get away from it. Some how it constantly follows you almost haunts you. What do you do with that? Maybe I’m not really prepared for life, or maybe I such at relationships… both things I think I would have been aware of before now I mean almost 23 years of my life has gone by and I’m just learning that. That’s odd.

I don’t know what I’d do with out some relationships in my life, but I’m not terrified of screwing them up. I don’t want to hurt these people. If I’m the problem, I don’t want them to have to go through pain because of me. I don’t want to be that self-deprecating person, but really lately I’ve just felt like I am the problem, and if I wasn’t’ in people’s lives it would be better for them.

I have a tough week ahead of me. A lot of things need to be decided and a lot of things have to be done. I don’t know how its going to happen.

is it true?

have you ever thought that maybe I just can't communicate to you. That I need to feel that you actually care about me as a person before I spill my life and guts to you. Maybe I have to deal with myself, and personal crap issues but I wouldn't be here if life hadn't played out like it did since spring break. or maybe since I came back to America. I can tell some people everything, and I know myself and I can feel the support and love in our relationship I know anything I say is safe. I can say my feelings and they understand and I know they are there for me. Some how what I want to say comes out. Others no matter what I say they don't understand it, they don't agree, so I've learned not waste my time with them. I feel like my relationship with adam and mine with brooke have fallen into the second category. And no matter what I do tell them, they don't get it... they don't want to. But they keep pushing thinking I'm not telling you things, or I'm not being honest with my feelings. When in fact they don't want to hear it. They don't want to believe it.
Some how they've got the idea that if they ask the right questions in the right way, I'll change how I feel and change my mind. I'M NOT GOING TO! I feel how I feel. I have denied owning my feelings for weeks. and when I finally do, you don't like it, you can't handle it.

I'm also not going to share things I don't feel people want to know. I'm sorry. I'm not just going to throw all my junk out there and go with it. If you want to hear it I'll know that, and it will come out. the end.

I'm sick of dealing with this drama. and feeling like its all my fault. I'm done with not liking myself and thinking everything is my fault. I talk to both of you and I still feel its my fault. I still feel blamed. You can blame me, you can hate me. I can't keep up life like this.

I learned a lot about myself and who I am while I was in London. I think that has hindered some of my friendships once I came back. They didn't know how to read me, they didn't understand what I was saying anymore. I don't think they even wanted to talk anymore. I'm banned from talking about London and traveling. I was banned after like a week. I didn't even get a chance to talk about it.

Why do we keep going in circles? I feel like we're having the same conversation over and over again and nothing but more hurt is happening. nothing is getting solved. nothing is getting better. I feel worse for making everyone else hurt and upset. I should have just kept it bottled up and found a way to deal with it. I'm so terribly sorry. I feel like a horrible person for it.

For an Optimist I've been pretty Pessimistic

Life has sucked for the last little bit. So much that I can't even find the energy to blog it most days. For a while I'd check blogger, start something and I couldn't finish.

I had a good day for the first time in I can't even remember how long. I left my apt at like 8:40 for class and came back for lunch and then I went to work and I didn't come back until well after midnight. All this to say, I didn't see my roommate. I didn't talk to her. However I did come home and she was in the living room with Joe*. They were once again cuddling on the couch, and I stupidly walked in in all confidence that because I'd had such a good day it wasn't going to shake me. I walk in the door. See them, and freeze. My chest is pounding. My head is saying drop your bags and run out. Leave. don't come back until later. So I just stand there. I think Joe started talking about whatever the crap they were watching. But I didn't hear a word of it, but I'm pretty sure, I did say mhmmm, in all the right places. Then all of the sudden after what felt like an hour of telling my feet to move, but was in reality like 3 minutes, they moved. I went straight to my room where I have remained since. I let some of those tears that I thought I didn't have any more of out.

And here I sit. On my bed, not tired. but I'm not moving either.

I just don't know what to do in this situation any more. Is this a point where you say, find a new roommate, I'm out? Is this the point that I've got to find all new friends? Is this the point I say I'll still live here, but you continue this and I won't hang out. If my some miracle it moves to a wedding I won't be there. I don't think anyone is prepared to handle this. And I hope many people don't have to even think about dealing with this. Because no matter what they tell you in Interpersonal Communication, its not the same as any "normal" conflict. This is so much different. Well maybe it just feels so much different, you expect other kinds of conflict but you never expect this from 2 of your best friends.

I wrote my roommate, Molly, a note explaining all my feelings and frustrations and pain. A large part of me wants to leave it at that. I said what I needed to, and I don't want to go any farther into pain. But there is some small part of me that wonders if we'll ever work this out. What our relationship and lives will look like in 5 years. even 1 year.


Noel, I will try very hard to be better. Remind me, and once I'm back in the habit we're golden.

I will say I'm sick of being a pessimist. and I miss people. I don't want to feel this way any more.

Real what does that even mean....

I hate that this has become a place where I just kind of rant when I'm having a bad day. I'm going to try to be better at that. I miss blogging a whole lot.

So anyways I guess back to the typical rant.... I some times feel like I shouldn't have even gone to London. Some days thats all I want to talk about, it was a life changing experience, I was more myself there than I think I've ever been. All of the "Samford expectations" (thanks Jen) are gone and you just get to know your housemates and people around the city. Its amazing. You don't think about who you tell things to and what you tell them. In my case you had 18 people and so you just poored your heart out to who ever was in the house and would listen. And it didn't matter what you told them they loved you, and you all just lived together and shared.
Well then you come back to Samford and things are different. It matters if you don't tell your best friends things but perhaps you talk about it with other people because of the nature of the information. As I recently dished to my lovely Aqua 08 office girls, I think I'll just put that paragraph here as it was in the email, because I don't know that I could say it as well as I did again....
"I'm pretty sure I'm being followed with cameras, and my life is really a hit TV show. Kind of like that movie with Jim Carey, I think it was the Truman Show. Anyways my life is much more dramatic, with a lot of awkward thrown in there. I always seem to be thrown into some awkward position. Or have some Drama in my life. I'm working on the name of my show, I'll let you know since you will all are becoming very important roles in this show. Although I'm pretty sure if it was a conspiracy, TV show where they are following me with cameras you'd all know the name of the show, as well as all the drama. haha. Along with the Drama there tends to be at least one funny story of the day, usually from and awkward moment, so you can look forward to those. I say all of this to lead into the finally of ways to you could pray
for me... Boy drama. haha, you should have known right. Its a really long, and strange story that I'm trying to process, and you can all get the full run down which I'm sure will be much better at training week... unless you really want it then I'll gladly share. But this is definitely an area I could use some intercession in, regarding wisdom and courage in some really difficult conversations that I have to have, as well as simply a peace as to what I'm supposed to do with
all of this."

I realize I haven't been so great at the relationships in my life, especially since I got back from London... they are so much harder here and there is so much school junk happening that I don't have a chance to catch my breath and work on all the relationships in my life. Also some of them I'm still trying to figure out, ever time I think I do something changes and I'm left baffled and really confused again.

I think later I'll get more of this out and clearly just lay out to my blog readers that are few and far between what is happening in my life. Maybe there will be some clarity when that happens.

But for now ... here we are.

Lots of little thoughts in the sea

Do you ever have those days when you can't seem to escape the fact that big thoughts, lots of thoughts are just running through your head. Some times there are so many that you just can't seem do do anything but think about them, and let them consume you. I had one of those days on Friday night/Saturday. We had a Londonites Reunion, and along with thoughts about life and where my life is going, and what I want from life, were these memories and friendships and good times. All of this just kind of took over me. I couldn't help but let them consume me. Taking the amazing and sweet memories we had and thinking about how they changed me, and affected how I see the world right now.
The days of London seem so far away, they seem so much like a dream. I mean did I really get to do that.

Never need a reason if you Step in Time

There are times in your life that you just want back. They were great, they were memories that you will tell your kids about and your grandkids, they will be the uphill in the snow with no shoes story, we all heard so many times. London was one of those times. I'm sure people are sick of the random stories that make no sense to them, but they all mean so much to me. For the past few weeks I have been participating in the phenomenon known as Step Sing at Samford. I love this time of year, maybe even more than Christmas.
Step Sing is one of those things that outsiders just don't understand, but it is what we live for. But with step sing I've also started back in classes on campus, and trying to live a life that I left behind for like 8 months. Trying to reconnect and find my place with friends I haven't seen or spent time with in 8 months, ichat just isn't the same. But also trying to find out where my london loves fit in my life. It has been an odd time of kind of being an outsider, you've got to see what your friends have been doing, and the fun they had while you were gone and try to fit back into that.
This weekend was the actual show for step sing, 3 weeks of practice displayed. But in this week of showing Samford a show we are so proud of and have poured ourselves into, its also the first chance since school started that you really have a chance to hang out with friends that are in other groups, this is somewhat impossible previously, with all the practice, school, and homework schedules. I got to hang out with my girls but I also got to hang out with the crew they've been hanging out with all fall. It was weird how well I felt I knew these people I'd just met, how tight we are... we've hung out like 3 times. One of them has been through this whole process before I did, so its been good to have someone know exactly what is going on, and to see they've made it through. But all of this to say, I think I've found my place back at Samford, yes I'd go back and live in the Daniel House in a heart beat. But I also wouldn't give these times up and the times I know are coming in our future for anything.
Its going to be interesting as the London group find out how to spend time together since some of us don't have the automatic see each other at practice but have also started to find out place back in the Samford world.

And I'd like to end this with I never thought I could love a group of 70 ladies so much. I <3 IL!!!!

Oh the Bliss of Painting....

If that isn't happiness I don't know what is.

Step Sing is in full swing, I'm excited to learn our whole show and seeing it come together. I go through bitter sweet moments of wishing I was directing again and thanking Jesus I'm not.

Life at Samford, its weird... I see my London family some, and I'm working my way back into the lives of my friends I left behind in May. I'm trying to figure out balancing 16 hours that included the first half of my senior research, a job, step sing, and a social life. But being back more than anything makes it hard to believe London happened. Did some of the best months and times of my life really happen, has my semester abroad really come and gone. How is that possible? Am I seriously graduating in Dec and am supposed to know what I want to do with my life or have an idea of what I'm going to do after graduation.